Top tips for poor people in a cost of living (for poor people) crisis

The ‘cost of living crisis’ is so overused as a phrase in the media that it now has less impact – we’re all in the same boat, said the man from Ofgem’s vulnerable consumer team – but no, we’re not. The crisis for some means they aren’t in a boat at all. They’re clinging on to a bit of floating wood and in serious danger of going under. That’s not the same as ‘feeling the pinch’, having to cut back on holidays and nights out etc.

If you can’t afford food, light, heat, clothing– the absolute basics for survival, then that’s an actual crisis. All too real for anyone trying to get by on Universal Credit, Employment and Support Allowance and/or piss poor wages that no longer cover the rent and Council Tax.

And if I see another ‘top tips’ for getting through a cost of living crisis, which will have absolutely no meaningful impact on those actually in it, I might scream.

And so with apologies in advance to anyone who maybe identifies themselves in tips 7 and 8 but it’s all getting a bit much, forgive me.

If you are genuinely in that crisis, your choices are (so not top tips at all, but you get the point):

1. Eat less.
2. Earn more. (If you can’t, revert to tip 1.)
3. Work more hours. (Official Government Suggestion.) It’s that easy. Boss? I need more money for food so I demand more hours whether you like it or not. 10 more should do. Cheers.
4. Buy cheap own brand. (Because anyone struggling definitely isn’t already doing this). Some of it’s not bad – Bourbon biscuits are Bourbon biscuits – but some of it really is dire. Starting your day with a bowl of own brand cornflakes that would better serve as cat litter can lead to a long and depressing session of introspection and wondering where you went wrong in life. Why can’t things just be priced reasonably for everyone? Rich people can go to Waitrose if they want to pay over the odds for the privilege of not having to mix with us.
5. Get used to being really cold. (Winter special tip) Wear blankets over your 5 layers of jumpers and please don’t trip over them when you need to go to the toilet. (Bonus tip – if you need to sit down on the loo, hovering an inch above spares you from that jarring cold toilet seat that saps all the heat from your body.)
6. Accept that some people in life just don’t have to live like you do but don’t mind setting aside their privilege in order to tell you that living like that is somehow acceptable and even possible if you just adjust your expectations, shave thruppence off a can of beans and accept you haven’t had the good fortune they’ve had. But they will still offer you BuDgEtINg LeSsOnS like you’re thick rather than dirt poor.
7. Try not to be too bitter about the well-intentioned (and well off) people who are making decent money talking about how awful it is to live like you while describing the reality of your life as ‘valuable lived experience’. You can even buy tickets (see Cambridge Literary Festival) at £14 a pop (so you’re already priced out — never mind) to listen to well off ‘celebrities’ talk about how hard it is to be poor. Who’s buying these tickets? See top tip 7.
8. Don’t let the bailiffs into your home. Ever. See a debt adviser.
9. Somehow make £368.74 Universal Credit (or £292.11 if you’re under 25) last a whole month (it’s not possible and everyone knows that but definitely do read lists of tips like this that would imply that it is). If you really want quality budgeting advice, seek out someone who has been living on UC or ESA for the past few years.
10. If you are disabled and don’t already get Personal Independence Payments, apply for it, wait, fill in the form, wait, go for the assessment, wait, get rejected, request a mandatory reconsideration, wait, wait some more, get rejected on that too, see a welfare rights officer and get your appeal in, wait 6–9 months — maybe 12, go to the tribunal and hopefully get the award backdated all the way back to the beginning if you are still alive/compos mentis.
11. Don’t get ill (don’t get a hernia – read all about it in t’other blog post)
12. Don’t vote Tory. Not saying Labour are all that (with the exception of Emma Hardy MP and a few others that seem like really good eggs) but just don’t vote Tory. If you’re working, join a union.
13. If it’s all getting too much, shout about it. To your local MP, to your Councillors, to your Council. Ask for help. I mean it. Be it your local Council’s support fund, Citizens Advice, any other local charity, community support hub, your Housing Association, your energy supplier, your water company. They all should have schemes to provide actual, meaningful help. Ask your Council about the Household Support Fund – the current version (number 4) is in play until the 31st March 2024. This is money given to Councils to help people in hardship. Get some, it’s for you.

It’s hard out there. If any of the above resonates with you do leave me a comment. Have I got it wrong? Leave a comment. Stay alive. Things change and get better.