First they beat you, then they leave you up to your eyeballs in debt.
Domestic Abuse and Debt. Just another brick in the wall.
There has been a proliferation of headlines pronouncing the death of a female at the hands of an abusive male partner/ex-partner/random stalker recently. At least it seems that way. I do know it’s not all men, but it mostly is I’m afraid. I know women can be abusive too, but it’s far less prevalent.
There are stats on domestic abuse to back this up. In the UK, domestic violence is on the rise, the majority of it does not get reported to the police, an estimated 30 women attempt suicide every single day after experiencing domestic abuse, and every week 3 women take their own lives. 2 are murdered. If all of that wasn’t devastating enough, there is a financial cost on top of the human cost, in time off work, NHS resources, homelessness, and so on — it was estimated at £66 billion…7 years ago. (https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-abuse-statistics-uk/).
The cost isn’t the point. But if we need persuading further, it’s a price we ALL pay one way or another and we all have a vested interest in eradicating domestic abuse – it has no place in our society, and no place in our homes; where we are meant to be safe. (As I’m typing this, a 17 year old boy has been convicted of murdering a 15 year old girl after he stalked her and then stabbed her to death. Holly Newton. Rest in peace. Society failed you too.)
I’m talking about you, Mr ‘My Wife Does My Head In’ – know this: you do hers in too. Just because you have more upper body strength than her, doesn’t give you the right to push her around. Try speaking to her as though she wasn’t just put on the earth to wash your shitty underpants and make your tea.
And you, Mr ‘Let’s Keep It In House’. I don’t care how respectable you think you are when you’re smarming round the office in your suit, if you come home and put cigarettes out on your partner’s skin you deserve the shame of everyone knowing about it. And you deserve to do time.
You know we can’t fight back. And if we try to you hit us again twice as hard. That’s why you do it. Ultimately, you are cowards. But a word of warning – I’ve seen first hand what happens when someone bigger and stronger than you takes a swing in your direction. You disintegrate faster than a Rich Tea biscuit in a hot brew when your own safety is threatened. It’s not pretty.
It is frequently mentioned by debt advice clients as part of the reason, if not solely the reason, for them being in umanagable debt. This could be as a result of a controlling ex-partner who held the household finances in an iron grip, who maybe saw an opportunity to take charge when their partner stayed at home to look after the baby or claimed some pseudo righteous purpose as the main breadwinner to be Keeper of the Cards and never relinquished their power over the purse. Finances shrouded in secrecy between a couple who are supposed to be sharing everything together does not bode at all well, and should be recognised for being the large red flag that it is. If they have the power over how you spend your money, then this is abuse. Full stop.
What else is abuse? Well it might be the partner who says they can’t get credit due to some vague, suspicious reason they can’t quite remember and they need you to take it out for them. If they can’t get credit because their credit rating is shot, and they cannot tell you why, then this is another bright red flag. What if they insist though? What if they force you to apply for the loan you don’t want, or even worse, fraudulently take it out in your name anyway? It’s too easy to say this is a crime and you should report it. It’s not that easy when you are stuck in the situation, and emotionally or physically dependent on the person who is financially abusing you. Maybe things will work out? But, this is so unlikely. Being forced to do things against your will, including borrowing money that you will never see or benefit from, is not going to end well.
Down the line, it may be suggested that if you didn’t like it, you should have left. Staying in a violent, abusive marriage can apparently be seen as an act of acquiescence – as though you had anything like a choice. And that you would have chosen that life if you did.
I know this because it has been suggested to me very recently. But that’s another story…
A recent client, let’s call her Jane, made me think about this from a debt advice perspective. A large part of the ‘why’ Jane was in debt related to a period when she spent money she didn’t have trying to escape the horror behind her front door. Jane was with one of those ‘great guys’ whom everyone likes because absolutely no-one else knows what goes on behind that front door (which somehow makes it worse). Midnight flits with the kids to hotels when there was violence, followed by days out and spontaneous presents to try to keep up the semblance of a normal, happy life. It costs a lot of money and mental energy to avoid being at home. It costs a lot to fashion a sense of ‘normal’ when daily life is intolerable. And there’s so much guilt.
I listened to Jane talking about how she felt, now that her abuser was part of her past. The remnants of abuse go on and on and on. The guilt, the self-loathing, the inability to accept love because you still believe you are unworthy. The PTSD. It takes a lot of time and effort to unpack those boxes, and life goes on in the meantime. Debt collectors come in the meantime. Interest gets added to insult, defaults on top of devastation, and the ultimate fear of not succeeding alone. Of being the failure He always predicted you would be without Him.
Debt advice and the ensuing Debt Relief Order made, frankly, light work of the tens of thousands of pounds of debt Jane had been left with. It wasn’t looking likely to begin with, but then the Chancellor at the time, Jeremy Hunt, announced changes to the DRO criteria in the spring budget. I watched it, surprised when his opening words were about people in debt, and I realised the door had just opened for my client. That’s perhaps the only time I’ve felt gratitude to a Tory.
Now the debts are gone and Jane is rebuilding. She has money left over at the end of the month for small treats for the kids. She can afford to book her first family holiday in years. Life is better, post debt advice, but it will of course take time to fully emerge from the shadows of the violence. At times like this, I’m reminded that being a debt adviser is incredibly rewarding. You get to have a hand in this. You get to use that hand to pull someone back up. It’s the best thing.
Surviving Economic Abuse has produced the Economic Abuse Evidence form and after a long trial period, the form is now being used by selected advice agencies. Some notable creditors are on board, to their credit. However, it appears the form isn’t available for use by all debt advisers at the moment – I hope that changes.
The form aims to help victims of economic abuse to explain their situation once so they don’t have to relive the nightmare time and time again. For now, debt advisers like me will have to make do with a letter. Clients like Jane can tell us once and we will sensitively listen and then disseminate the information to all creditors when needed. Or we might just apply for a DRO and have done with it.
As with so many things these days, it’s not a perfect solution. Why should a victim of abuse be forced to apply for insolvency for debts they wouldn’t have incurred if not subjected to violence, threats or fraud? Because, it’s quick, easy and free. And recovering your credit rating will only take 6 years; recovering from abuse takes much longer.
I want to finish this with some words I wish someone had said to me once. It might help.
- It’s not your fault they hit you
- They control their own reactions, you don’t
- No you didn’t ‘wind them up’, ‘deserve it’, ‘cause it’, ‘make them do it’ – that was their lack of self-control and self-discipline
- No, you are not a failed person, you are not a waste of space, nor any of the other insults they throw at you. They have a keen interest in keeping you down and submissive.
- When you can, when it’s safe, get help, get advice, talk to someone you trust. Try not to wear their shame, it’s theirs not yours.
- If in doubt for your own safety, get away from them and ring 999. Just do it without hesitation. Don’t feel bad – it may be the wake-up call they need. I used to run out on to the street. I knew he wouldn’t follow me outside because the neighbours would bear witness. Of course, going back inside was an issue – phone 999 if you are afraid.
- It’s not your fault they abuse you.
Sending love and strength to you if you are in this difficult situation ❤️✊
